Hi friends. How was your July? My month seemed to reflect the weather: humid and lethargic. Looking back through my journal I see that I had to push through a lot during the month. Nothing serious, just having to respond to some external forces (work-related) and confront internal demons (insecurity).
Work-wise I was confronted head-on by imposter syndrome. I had a few moments where I felt incompetent at my job. Again, nothing catastrophic, but just some instances where I know I could’ve or should’ve done better. Then I topped off those thoughts by berating myself for not having worked hard enough to overcome my shortcomings. It’s funny because most days I am pretty apathetic about work and career. I often fantasize about quitting and starting again on a more creative path. And while I would like to take my creative projects more seriously, I also recognize a lot of that fantasizing stems from me wanting to run away. Run away from feeling incompetent. Run away from not meeting standards. Run away from hiding the fact I am a fraud. (Or so it feels.) Anyway, this month I realized how much I associate my self-worth with my work performance. Something to work on.
Around the time I was indulging in all this self-berating I saw this tweet, which made me smile and brought me out of the shadows.
Objectively, I think I can say I fall under number two. So I guess that’s a good thing. (Also guilty of number one big time.) But being constantly stretched is also tiring, and sometimes you need to rest. (Thankfully am able to do so now work-wise.)
On the flip side, this month I also received some nice messages from people who said they liked the things I created. I still can’t bring myself to call it “art,” but whatever it is that I’m making and sharing on Instagram and YouTube has resonated with a few people. I really appreciated being told so.
So the art explorations continue. Before I was more preoccupied with settling down, becoming competent in a medium, and finding “my style.” I also felt insecure about my lack of any formal training in art. But these days I’m full-on leaning into my amateur status. The world of art is full and wide, and there is much to explore! (In August I’m taking a printing workshop. Excited to add that to my toolbelt.)
I also see now that my lack of training is also a gift because it frees me from any formal standards. Of course I have expectations for myself in what I’d like to create, and I’m often disappointed by the skill gap (the difference between what I imagine in my head and what actually materializes on paper). But I’m able to be kinder to myself because I don’t have any bars to meet when it comes to art. (A stark contrast to my professional life.)
Moving on, here is my July vlog, which is a mashup of some of the things I did and ate and tried and made. I take more videos than photos so this is a better representation of my month, minus all the internal woes I mentioned earlier.
Finally, I came across this quote via Andymation’s Youtube video today that I wanted to share with my blogger friends.
Say who you are, really say it in your life and in your work. Tell someone out there who is lost, someone not yet born, someone who won’t be born for 500 years. Your writing will be a record of your time. It can’t help but be that. But more importantly, if you’re honest about who you are, you’ll help that person be less lonely in their world because that person will recognise him or herself in you and that will give them hope.Charlie Kaufman
I thought about what my favorite content creators have in common, why I look forward to their work. Broadly I think the content I like best provides two experiences: either it inspires or it comforts (or both). And that’s the sort of content I’d like to share with the world. So here’s to being more fully honest and fully me, warts and all. 🙂
This post is part of Su’s The Changing Seasons.
The Changing Seasons Version One (photographic):
Each month, post 5-20 photos in a gallery that you feel represent your month
Don’t use photos from your archive. Only new shots.
Tag your posts with #MonthlyPhotoChallenge and #TheChangingSeasons so that others can find them.
The Changing Seasons Version Two (you choose the format):
Each month, post a photo, recipe, painting, drawing, video, whatever that you feel says something about your month
Don’t use archive stuff. Only new material!
Tag your posts with #MonthlyPhotoChallenge and #TheChangingSeasons so others can find them.
If you do a ping-back to Su’s post, she can update it with links to all of yours.